night of the near-death experience

A short guide to Bonfire Night festivities at Wimbledon:

1. Consume gross hot chocolate from a Cadbury truck in the middle of a field.

2. Watch Guy Fawkes burn in effigy. Feel slightly uncomfortable at the realization that watching live people burn probably used to be a whole family kinda event, too.

3. Watch fireworks set off to the rhythm of Glee covers and Disney hits. Try to avoid being set on fire by burning bits of paper falling from the sky.

4. Decide it is a totally great idea to go on the spinny thing, you know, that one over there at the carnival. Realize only once you are strapped in to the twirling wheel of doom that the spinny thing is exactly as sketchy you would expect out of a ride called "Body Count" that is pumping dance music and oh my God it's flipping you upside down you did not know it would do this otherwise you never would have gotten on in the first place why is this ride lasting forever we are going to die.

5. Survive ride, and realize that the spinny thing you rode is not even the actual spinny thing you had intended to ride. This is okay, because the spinny thing you had intended to ride looks even worse.

6. Go on another ride anyway, in spite of your recent near-death experience, because obviously you never learn. Bruise the crap out of your friend's right side as you slam into her with your full body weight every time the car swings outwards. Also, whack her in the face with your hair repeatedly. By the end of the ride, your hair looks like this, which is to say, super hot.

7. Walk from Wimbledon to Wandsworth. Acquire glowing neon bracelets along the way from a guy who is selling them for 50 pence each, or £2 for six just for you (the "Recession special"). You'll need these to torment your cab driver with later.

8. Go to Chez Bruce and overeat like a champion to comfort yourself, post-carnival trauma.

9. Take a cab home, and be terrible to your cab driver. "That was your iPhone that just got a text message, wasn't it? I'm just saying, it wasn't one of ours. Did you get a good message? Was it from your girlfriend? Oooh, I bet it was. Do you want some glowing neon bracelets? That's all right. We're giving them to you anyway. Here, I am putting them on the gear shift. Oh, they fell on the floor. Here's a really big tip, byyye!"

Obviously, England loved us.